I’ve been on a journey since I last wrote for this blog. Not a journey in space and hardly a journey in time. The clocks kept ticking, but time often seemed to stand still. Like all journeys should be, it was a journey in learning and growing.
I was diagnosed with rectal cancer, and since then experienced first hand what it feels like to be ill and helpless. Along with the usual onslaught of radiation, chemo and surgery, I also developed a serious infection. I felt like I was at the mercy of the medical system, but in the end, all the interventions helped me get back on track.
I thought I would blog about my cancer journey, but I wasn’t able to write while I was ill. I couldn’t put words to the experience beyond sharing the facts with people I knew. Even on my good days, writing was elusive. This spring I thought I was on the other side of it. While I worked to regain my strength and energy, I began to write again. I wrote some short stories and made a good start on a novella. Poems remained elusive.
A month ago everything changed. Cancer was discovered on a lymph node, necessitating a return to chemo. I could tell you all the details, but what I want to share here is that I am writing! I will soon be posting poems to my blog. I’ve had thoughts about returning to a novel I wrote a few years ago and redoing some of it. I may also share some of the things I’ve learned through living with cancer and metastasis. I’ve learned so much, but not things that are easy to put into words.
I am including a poem with this post. I asked myself, and you might ask as well, why I would include a poem about flowers. I have learned that everything is much more connected than we realize. The insects and the flowers have everything to do with us, and without their presence our presence is as empty as the shell of the cicada nymph once the cicada has emerged.
The Kiss of Life
These conical flower clusters
Dress the tree in white
Send an open invitation
Insects come
One after another
Little black ants crawl inside the cone
Wasps flit, abdomens hanging, ready to curl into place
Bees buzz and dance, their solid bodies crawl in for nectar
Butterflies flutter, confined to the outer petals
With a gentle caress
Many feet tiptoe among the petals
The glide and slide of wings
Whisper songs of love
As the flower rocks in the gentle breeze
Over and over again
She receives the kiss of life
September 09, 2022
A Journey and a poem: The Kiss of Life
January 13, 2021
A Poem: Unbound Soul- A Story of Mink
I wrote numerous poems in November. None are ready and many are not shareable. But they prepared me for the one I am sharing here.
We think of ourselves as the humans who have control over the world around us, who are self-sufficient, who know almost everything. But between the pandemic and climate disruption, those illusions are crumbling. We are not okay as we are.
We can learn much from the beings who share this earth with us. More than we think. Not all learning comes through thinking.
All over the world, humans are longing for full vaccination against the SARS-CoV-2 virus, yet filled with uncertainty. We cannot wait for someone else to fix this. We need to listen to the pangolin, the mink, and all the other beings. The vaccines might stop the virus, but only our connections with Mother Earth and her creatures can bring true healing.
The pandemic has taught me we can't turn away, we can't pretend bad things aren't happening. And even when we can't be near each other, we have to be connected somehow. The poems I wrote recently taught me a lot about learning from other creatures, plant and animal. Consider the mink. We can’t pretend minks are just cute little creatures and ignore the lives many of them have led. Despite the heart-breaking reality of caged creatures, we can learn from them.
A spoken version of this poem is available on Soundcloud, click here.
Unbound Soul: A Story of Mink
Mother mink darts through the water
Sure strokes propel her
She grabs a fish between her jaws
Returns to her nest
Deposits the fish
In front of hungry little minks
Too young to get their own
Mink on the farm
Lies down in her cage
Stares through the wires
No where to go
No river or trees or mud
She gets up
Walks front to back
Back to front
Lies down again
She knows she does not belong
In this world of cages
Imprisoned for the crimes
Of those who claim
Dominion
The farmer approaches
Mask over his mouth and nose
Thick gloves on his hands
He opens the cage, reaches in
Grabs her in two strong unyielding hands
She snarls, bites at his gloves
Squirms with her under-developed muscles
This is all wrong
She needs to be free
To touch the ground
Swim in the water
She drops into a dark place
Feels the other minks
Snarls her uncertainty
Teeth of another sink into her
She scrambles, climbs, reaches
Seeking a way out
She learns quickly
This is another cage
Just dark and full of bodies
She lies still
In a press of bodies
But then the air changes
She can’t breathe
Once again she must fight
This place is too dangerous
She reaches and scratches
Seeking a grip
Her body weakens
Her reach shortens
Till she falls back
Shakes and convulses
Until finally her last breath
Sets her soul free
To heal
The farmer retrieves bodies from the gas chamber
He shakes his head
Wonders how he will make a profit
These mink are infected
Even now he might have the disease
All these wasted fur bodies
He throws into a sealed container
For safe disposal
Mother mink climbs out of the river
Fish firmly clenched in her jaws
Shakes the water off her fur
Walks back to her nest
A shadow passes over her
She digs her claws into the earth
In a burst of speed
Bounds away
Eagle’s talons dig into mud
Its meal out of reach
Mother safely in the nest
Mother mink trembles
As adrenalin courses through her body
She nestles with her young
Back pressed into the earth
The smell of earth, fish, water, minks
Fills her nostrils
Deep into her lungs
She pulls in life-giving oxygen
The same air you breathe
And I breathe
One with Earth
With other beings
Even the hungry eagle
She is calm
The soul of the farmed mink
Now free
Knows Mother Mink
Knows you and me
Your dear departed ones
Free of the caged body
Unbound
The soul knows no separation
If you are looking for my short novel, A Matter of the Soul, click here
August 23, 2020
A Poem: Living the Edge
In the past few months, I’ve had to find my new normal for living during a pandemic.
It started with two weeks of vacation, something that felt like a luxury after weeks of being home except to grab groceries and walk the dog. It was a wonderful time of relaxation and reflection. I wrote poems that I have yet to share, and I found my way to determine how to proceed once vacation was over.
I run a private daycare out of my home. Daycares were now expected to be open in my area, but I had to find my way through that. I was well aware of the risks of increasing our bubble, but I was not willing to take that risk merely for the purpose of supporting the economy.
In the end, I was informed by the pangolin poem I wrote, Consider the Pangolin, which I posted here in April. It is time to heal the disconnections of modern life. My daycare allows parents to work, but it’s also about connections. It’s about love and being real and living as part of this planet. My daycare is now open. The children have returned.
Today I had a day with few expectations, where I could take the time to do some writing. I was very pleased to be able to sit in my backyard in full awareness of my environment and write this poem.
Living the Edge
Thunder rumbles
As the dark cloud mass
Slides along the sky
Just south of meIt’s a warning of danger
Nullified by the bright edge
Of the clouds
Barely hiding the sunI am living on that edge
Caught between Covid danger
And the intense brightness
Of loveLike the ever-changing sky
Life forces us into a balancing act
While we seek love and connection
We remain helpless
To outrun the dangerWe yearn for the safety
Of our predictable lives
Old patterns and square boxes
We’ve forgotten never fit usThunder rumbles
Clouds change their shape
Raindrops fall
Sun shines
I sit under the tree
In the middle of it all
Grateful for the time
To stop and be
In itUntil the brightness of lightning
Pokes my eye
Suggesting I’ll be safer
Inside
With loved ones
May 18, 2020
A Poem: Rewild in the City
As human beings we are capable of so much. But there is a cost to that. We've become rather muddled.
Rewild in the City
Branches, barely green,
Reveal the wind
Blowing cool air
Through our city
Birds fly past
Busy with spring’s endeavours
Mating, nesting, feeding
Early flowers bloom
Each day new plants sprout
City lawns need cutting
Life abounds
Among the trees
In the yards
Wherever growth is possible
It’s an energy
That flows
An energy that lives on possibilities
Light and moisture and warmth
A responsive energy
It lives when it can
Rests when it must
Moves on when viability has ended
There’s a gentle ebb and flow
To life in the wild
No fear
In winter’s rest
Or even in departure
That’s a freedom
You and I dream of
Our sense of responsibility
Our concern for future things
Our multitude of thoughts
Weigh us down
See the trees budding out
Leaves hungrily unfurling
Smile at the bright flowers
Reflecting the sun
Let your heart soar
And dip
With flight of the birds
Rest your back against the
Solid stillness of a tree
There is a wisdom
In the wild
A different kind of intelligence
Every leaf, every bird, every fly
Can teach us
In the strangeness of this time
Let yourself be a student
Attend the class of the wild
Anywhere in the city
Rewild the human
Fear not the endings
The changes and impositions
Grow where you are
Reflect the sun
And live
If you are looking for my short novel, A Matter of the Soul, click here
May 14, 2020
Short Story: Masked Date
Masked Date
Sandra sat back in her armchair, phone propped up on her raised knee. “Have you been to any restaurants yet? They’ve been open for a couple of weeks, but I haven’t been able to get my head around the safety of it.”
On the screen in front of her, Kelly shook her head. “No, I haven’t. I’ve spent so long staying away from places like that, it just feels like a strange idea.”
“You know, six months ago I would have just asked you to join me at The Old Squire and we would have dinner together. We’ve been chatting for four months but thanks to this virus we’ve never had a real date. I like walking in the park with you, but that doesn’t feel like a date.”
“A date would be so nice. But do you understand how anyone could sit at a table with someone they don’t live with and still follow the rules? We wear masks when we’re in the park. How can someone eat and wear a mask? How do you ever get to move on in a new relationship if you can’t even eat together. Honestly, I’ve been feeling really stuck with this. I love chatting with you, and walking, but I don’t know where to go with this.”
“I guess you haven’t heard about the new masks? It’s of such economic importance to get restaurants flourishing again that someone invented a different kind of mask. It’s a win for the manufacturers and the restaurant owners, apparently.”
“What?” Kelly laughed. “You’re kidding, aren’t you?”
Sandra shook her head. “As far as I can tell, it’s legit. I watched a video. The masks lift up easily from the bottom. You quickly spoon some food into your mouth and close it back down while you chew. The restaurants supply them. It’s really easy to pop a straw in for drinking.”
On the screen in front of her, Kelly’s head kept shaking back and forth. She stopped to speak, “I can’t believe this! I’m going to go crazy soon. Life will never be normal, will it?”
Sandra shrugged, “The thing is, I really want to have dinner with you. I want to sit close enough to look into your eyes, to take our time and sit and do the things people used to do when they were in a new relationship with someone. The way things are right now, it feels like we’ll never do more than just talk to each other through a screen or walk side by side. I just want you to come over to my house and have dinner and take our chances, but I haven’t even had a chance to sit and look into your eyes. Somehow, I want us to move forward.”
Now Kelly was nodding slowly. “Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Sandra. I’ve just been telling myself to be content with a relationship that’s a lot like a long distance relationship, but that doesn’t seem fair. I just don’t know how to make the next step without it being a big one.”
“Would you give a try to a restaurant meal with me?” Sandra asked her, feeling like she was wearing the beseeching puppy dog look. “It will be strange for both of us.”
Kelly shook her head again, and looked down at something off-screen. Then she gave a little shrug, “I do really want to have dinner out with you, even just once. Yes, I’ll do it. But we better do it soon before I lose my nerve.”
Sandra met Kelly in the park, and they walked to The Old Squire together. This time they walked side by side for the first time, without keeping the mandatory six feet distance that was required for people who don’t live together. They were both masked, as always.
It felt good to be walking in such close proximity. Walking near Kelly felt so comfortable. “You know,” she said to her, “this is the first time in months that I’ve spent any time this close to someone else. It feels wonderful and at the same time it feels like we’re breaking the law. It’s hard to believe now that this used to be the most normal thing in the world. It’s amazing how things can change and become the new normal.”
“I’ll admit, I’m resisting the urge to grab your hand.” Kelly ducked her head away, so Sandra didn’t see her eyes when she looked over to her. She let it go. Soon enough they would be sitting across from one another.
They walked along in silence for a while, then Kelly spoke. “I hope they have those masks you were talking about.”
“They do. I called them to make sure. Sorry I didn’t let you know.”
Sandra put her hand on the entrance door and turned back to Kelly. “Are you ready for this?”
“Yes, I need to sit with you,” Kelly nodded. Sandra thought she was smiling behind her mask. She held the door so Kelly could walk in without touching it, and then pumped a dollop of sanitizer onto her hand from the nearby pump.
A young man in a colourful mask greeted them. “Welcome! A table for two?” Sandra nodded. “Do you know about the masks that are required to be worn? We aren’t permitted to serve you unless you agree to wear them.”
“Yes, we know,” Kelly answered.
He grabbed two packages containing masks. “Do you have your phones to access the menu? Then I’ll show you to your table.”
It had been six months since Sandra had been to a restaurant. Here each table appeared to be two metres from the others. The space looked bare compared to the look they were accustomed to, but each table looked comfortably private.
After they were seated, the young man opened a package, ripped it open, and held it out to Sandra so she could pull the mask out. Then he did the same for Kelly.
“Your server will soon be with you.” He nodded to them and returned to his station.
Before they had a chance to settle in, a young woman in the same colourful mask arrived with two glasses of water on a tray. She introduced herself and set a glass in front of each of them. She pulled the end off a straw cover and held it out so they could pull the straw out for themselves. Then she did the same with a package of napkin-wrapped cutlery. “Are you ready to order or shall I come back?”
“Please come back, we are in no rush,” asked Sandra. She just wanted a chance to settle in with Kelly before they got busy eating.
Finally they were alone. She looked at the woman seated across from her, and felt lost in her eyes. It was such a strange feeling. She felt hungry for the closeness, and at the same time she was overwhelmed. Kelly broke the contact first, and reached for her straw to take a sip of her water.
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “This won’t work! Let’s check these masks out.”
They took their own masks off, shoved them in a pocket, and immediately applied the new mask. They looked at each other and laughed, each of them sounding a little hysterical. Kelly shook her head, “Oh my, it’s a good thing I didn’t know they would look like this! I might not have agreed!”
“They didn’t look like this in the video! They must have modified them for it.” These masks had a plastic frame that fit around the nose and mouth area. Shaped filter material fit inside it, made to fit over the nose. But it was the plastic frame that gave them such a strange look. There was a ridge along either side, and a little tab sticking down at the bottom. She examined Kelly’s, since she couldn’t see her own. “I think this plastic part is hinged.” They each felt their own mask. The panel lifted out from the bottom, leaving a gap.
“This is supposed to work? Really?” Kelly reached for her spoon, and went through the motions of filling it with food. With one hand she moved the panel, with the other one she brought the spoon to her mouth. “Huh, it might work. If I don’t knock the food off in the process!”
“I guess we take it slow and careful. It must work, other people do it.” Sandra stole a look around her. Two adults and two kids sat at another table, all of them busy eating. They seemed to be managing fine.
Kelly followed her, watching them. “I feel like I’m inside the strangest movie, you know the kind where you can completely reassure yourself it’s just a crazy story. But it’s real.” She shook her head and gave herself a shake. “Seems like all I do lately is shake my head. It’s a strange new world.”
She stopped and met Sandra’s eyes. They sat there, just looking at each other, no longer noticing the grotesque masks. “I like your eyes, Sandra. They feel very safe, but at the same time, my heart is racing like crazy. I think it’s because I don’t know what to do with the closeness. It’s not you. It’s just that I haven’t looked into anyone’s eyes in so long.”
“It’s the same for me,” Sandra told her. “It makes it very hard to figure out how I feel about anything right now.” She looked down to her water, opened her mask’s panel a little for the straw, and took a drink, glad for the break.
“I can’t believe how hard this is! Maybe we should check the menu.”
They took out their phones to look at the menu. The menu had changed from what she remembered: all the options could be managed with utensils or fingers. There were no sandwiches, wraps or burgers. Talking together about the choices, with short moments of eye contact, felt more natural. Sandra could feel herself relax, and sensed the same from Kelly.
They had just settled into their choices when their server returned. Sandra ordered a vegetarian salad with pecans and apples and a side of french fries. Kelly chose a chicken pot pie, also with fries. They both agreed that it had been too long since they had eaten fries, and they would be easy to eat with masks on.
Feeling more at ease, they settled into chatting, just as they had in their video chats. “I’m glad we spend all those hours in video chats,” Sandra mused. “I feel like it’s pretty easy to know when you’re smiling even though I can’t see much of your face. I find that when I don’t know people very well, it can be hard to tell for sure if they are smiling.”
Their server came over with two plates of food and set one down in front of each. “Enjoy your dinner,” she said and walked away.
They each picked up a fork, held it up in hesitation, and their eyes met. Sandra gave a little laugh. “Let’s do this. I’m hungry.”
She stabbed her fork into her salad, came up with a few pieces of lettuce and a mushroom, and aimed her fork toward her mouth. She tipped up the front panel of her mask and slipped the fork in. The mushroom fell off, bumped by the panel, but the rest of the food arrived safely.
She felt her eyes open wide. “Oh, no, I just had a vision of this mask being covered in dressing with bits of lettuce hanging out this bottom part! This could be a very challenging experience. Can you imagine trying to eat a burger, with ketchup and mustard smeared everywhere?” She checked on the status of her napkin, imagining she would have to try to keep her mask clean. “Oh, I guess that’s why there’s an extra napkin here.”
Kelly chuckled, “At least if my mouth is dirty, no one will see it.”
“I can’t believe this is how things are now,” said Sandra. “I got used to keeping physical distance and wearing a mask whenever I’m out, waiting in line everywhere, but this feels even crazier than I imagined it would. I just really wanted to sit at a table with you.”
Kelly filled her mouth again. “Mmm, it might be crazy, but the food is good. Let’s just enjoy it.”
It was a slow process, having to be so careful with every mouthful. When they were both satisfied, they set their forks down and sat there looking in each other’s eyes. Kelly spoke, “They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I never understood that until now. Your eyes truly are the window to your soul, Sandra. Thanks for letting me in.”
“And thanks for letting me in, Kelly.”
Kelly nodded, while her eyes crinkled in an obvious smile. “What now?”
“I want to navigate my way through this with you, Kelly. With you I will experience this as a brave new world. With you, masks are irrelevant. I feel like we can find our way, and it will be good. For the first time, I don’t feel afraid.”
Kelly reached her hand across the table, and Sandra reached out with hers. They rested comfortably together, an instant warmth soothing them both.
“Kelly, will you come to my place for dinner tomorrow? We can eat without masks, and talk, and find our way together.”
“I’d love that!”
Sandra paid the bill. They removed the masks the restaurant had given them and carefully re-applied their own masks.
Kelly pumped a dollop of sanitizer, opened the door for them, and then rubbed it carefully into her hands. As they headed down the sidewalk, she reached out to Sandra, who reached out to her, and they walked back to the park, hand in hand.
If you are looking for my short novel, A Matter of the Soul, click here